Coffee: Not Spawned From Satan, Afterall

            I was in a diet phase a few months ago and began scanning the nutritional intake of every item before consumption. Well, the word “diet” is used loosely; for me, a diet is basically only eating miniature chocolate bars once a day and eating the most fattening meals (a.k.a. most of my consumption these days: microwavable chimmichungas, Hot Pockets, and cheap less-than-a-dollar pizzas) early in the day. In spite of the popular trend of counting carbohydrates, I usually look to calories—the least controversial and most basic diets always refer to calories rather than carbs. I began to memorize the calorie intake of my meals by heart: for example, the chimmichungas were a good 380, the Hot Pockets were about the same as the chimmichungas, and the cheapie pizza was roughly 800. Around this time, coffee caught my interest—it was difficult staying awake in my morning classes (I’m a college student) due to my self-inflicting, painfully poor sleep/time management skills. The answer, it seemed, was coffee—especially since actually fixing my aforementioned weak time/management skills would have taken time and effort. Ah, but what about all those naughty things you hear about coffee? Once when on a family camping trip, my grandma told me I shouldn’t drink too much coffee: it would make me shrink. Afterall, look what it did to her—she tops off around 5 feet! (At that point in time, I was around the age of 12 and already taller than her—though maybe not for much longer, if I were to drink too much EVIL coffee.)

            I refrained from drinking it for a long time—not necessarily because I was afraid of actually shrinking, but I did hear from more credible sources (though still through word-of-mouth) that it stops growth. Dreaming of being a football player at the time, I knew being small could only hurt my chances. The risk wasn’t worth it. A few years later, it seemed grandma’s sentiment was being proven true when a friend showed me a website discussing a recent (at the time) study by which coffee (or an ingredient very prominent in coffee—I forget which) was shown to actually shrink plant growth. This, I thought, is certainly a reason to not drink coffee!

            When my interest in coffee was renewed last month, I was still in diet mode; I began to wonder of its nutritional value. I’d heard only bad things, but I wanted to know for myself. And so, I checked the big can of Yuban in our fridge and searched for the label. And then I searched again. And again.  And again. I must have spun the can around five times before coming to the conclusion that there simply wasn’t a Nutritional Facts label on the thing—and I was right. It seemed highly illogical: why would such a controversial product be lacking a nutrition label when even bottled water has one? Isn’t coffee some sort of unwholesome devil juice?

            “Maybe it’s just Yuban,” was my assumption. I figured some yutz down at Yuban Inc. screwed up the label design, and now millions of cans of black coffee everywhere are being sold without the nutritional facts painted on them! It’s about at that time when I hopped in my car and headed down to the always wonderful Wal-Mart to test my theory. The conclusion? It just so happens that not only did Yuban not have any nutritional information, but neither did any other leading brand (nor the second-rate brand of coffee, for that matter). And it wasn’t just the cans—none of the other basic coffee products had any nutritional information whatsoever on the labels.

            That’s when I searched the internet—because, you know, the internet knows everything: it’s like an all-powerful being, except with a lot of porn. The first destination would be Folgers’ website:  but, no such luck. (For the inquiring minds, I chose Folgers because I figured it is the most popular brand.) All other food products I’ve seen that don’t have a nutrition label (and this is especially true for candy bars) at least direct you to their website. Why wouldn’t America’s arguably most popular brand of coffee have nutritional information on their website? Are these coffee companies actually hiding the information in fear of scaring off customers? If so, isn’t that highly illegal?

            Finally, after a typical Google websearch, I found my answers: according to Calorie-Count.com, a cup of coffee (8oz.) contains a surprising 9 calories. Apparently, the number is considered so insignificant, it isn’t even required to be put on the label. (One must use logic and assume the bottled water companies add the labels to show off, then.)  As a self-proclaimed (but faulty and weak-willed) diet freak, I was overjoyed! I made sure to notify all my internet friends that coffee had less than ten calories per cup immediately. With the exception of a few, the majority were pretty uninterested; probably because they weren’t big coffee drinkers, or because they were too busy visiting porn sites—either one. I wasn’t going to let their lack of excitement get to me, though: this was quite the discovery! Of all the things I expected to hear about the coffee, a low calorie content was not one of them. By the way people talk about it, one would assume that even the energy boost received wouldn’t be worth the intake of such a beverage.

            In recent years, some alarming claims have been made about what might happen if one regularly consumed coffee, further scaring away the public from consumption. Far worse than the stopping of growth or height shrinkage, it was now the target of more serious health issues: cancers, diseases and bears, oh my! But like most other illnesses blamed on it, research later showed those claims to be incorrect (Pendergrast 412-413).

            At this point in time, it seems coffee has allegedly been the cause of everything except leprosy, AIDS and the hokey pokey syndrome. If it is such an acceptable beverage, why is it the target of such criticism? Well, firstly, coffee gets a bad reputation by being the base of many drinks such as the latte, cappuccino and espresso—all popular-but-fattening drinks sold at coffee shops around the world. These sorts of drinks are consumed largely due to their flavor, which is part of the problem to begin with: these drinks may be unhealthy (in other words, loaded with calories), but that’s because of the flavoring, not the coffee mixed with it. Any drink with the same flavor ingredients would also go ‘straight to the hips’. Secondly, there can be some serious side-effects if too much coffee is consumed at once, such as irregular heartbeat and insomnia—but really, isn’t too much of any product bad? I remember hearing about studies years ago where lab rats went blind after consuming large amounts of yogurt—what’s the difference? Thirdly, coffee can be addictive, as some people begin to rely on it to stay ‘normal.’ This is one of the stronger arguments against coffee, but I still don’t quite buy it—and for two reasons: because I’m a person with an addictive personality and have been able to make coffee a regular part of my morning diet and yet release myself from it at will, and because certain studies have shown that an increased consumption of coffee is actually a good thing.

            When researching the healthiness (or supposed lack thereof) of coffee, perhaps nothing put a bigger caffeine-accentuated smile on my face more than seeing the benefits of it; before searching, I had been told coffee was an evil, evil substance, and to stay away from it—now, I was seeing coffee wasn’t only not-devil juice, but that it clearly had health benefits. Aside from the obvious positive roles (such as increased brain functioning), it also has some not-so-obvious ones: according to recent studies, coffee consumption has been linked to a decreased threat of diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, gallstones, colon cancer, and perhaps even heart disease. (Helm 3)

            Coffee has been on the receiving end of many claims, but rarely does the air ever get cleared; maybe you’ve been told that it causes increased likeliness for hokey pokey syndrome, or that it’s directly linked with cancer or some other fatal illness, or that it will make your height actually decrease—but only in the rarest of occasions will you hear about those links being disproven or how it helps prevent other illnesses. Clearly, it is a favorite target—probably because of its high caffeine content and its important function in many folks’ daily lives. It needs to be said, though, that no recent studies have shown any real link between coffee and most illnesses blamed on it; moderate consumption is absolutely fine and perhaps even suggested. It appears coffee’s soul isn’t as dark as its color, after all.